Kaileyard = Cabbage Patch

I am scared to come home.  I am excited (boy am I excited), but the idea of coming home and having nothing to talk about except the negative aspects of Glasgow really keeps me up at night.  It's not like I totally hate it here.  In fact, I appreciate Glasgow's rough edges.  It's not afraid to be ugly, and if you can't handle it, well then you can just f*ck off to Edinburgh.  

In that way it reminds me a lot of my adjustment to Beloit.  You just make the most of it and embrace it for what it is, or else you'll get spit out with the rest of the uppity white people.

We read a poem by Hugh MacDiarmid yesterday in my Scottish Literature seminar, called "Scotland Small?", which turned out to be pretty eye-opening for me.  Here's the poem:

Scotland small?  Our multiform, our infinite Scotland small?

Only as a patch of hillside may be a cliché corner

To a fool who cries "Nothing but heather!"  Where in September another

Sitting there and resting and gazing around

Sees not only heather but blaeberries

With bright green leaves and leaves already turned scarlet

Hiding ripe blueberries; and amongst the sage-green leaves

of the bog-myrtle the golden flowers of the tormentil shining

And on the small bare places, where the little Blackface sheep

Found grazing, milkworts blue as summer skies;

And down in neglected peat-hags, not worked

In living memory, sphagnum moss in pastel shades

Of yellow, green and pink; sundew and butterwort

And nodding hareballs vying in their colour

With the blue butterflies that poise themselves delicately upon them

And stunted rowans with harsh dry leaves of glorious colour

"Nothing but heather!" --- how marvellously descriptive!  And incomplete!

This poem is so emblematic of my skepticism towards this country.  Sometimes I feel like I am the fool.  I'm the one who ignores the intricacies and simply focuses on the grey skies and drab buildings.  But then on days like today, I can take it all in: the punk kids in their tartan school uniforms, the colorful fruit stands, the wind in my hair.  I don't understand why every day can't be like today.

I think a lot of the reason why I'm unhappy here is because I'm not a part of any structured exchange program.  I applied to this university like any international student would.  I was dropped off on campus like any other international student: alone, directionless.  I have the other Beloit College students to keep me company, but it's hard to see them consistently when there's no professor here with us to organize trips or dinners out.  Sarah sees her friends from Dartmouth at least a couple times a week.  There are some people from Beloit that I haven't seen in months.

I make up for this lack of structure by creating my own: I have my favorite coffee shop, I go to the gym, and every Friday I go to the grocery store.  I also joined the International Society, which turned out to be a waste of money--that Loch Lomond trip was lame and I'm pretty sure they lied about all the various discounts at bookstores that our IS card entitles us to.

I just get really bitter when I hear about everyone else who is studying abroad.  While Keara is swimming in the Ganges and Sandy is studying dance therapy in the Czech Republic, I am brooding in pubs and dark cafés.  I suppose that's Scotland's culture, though.  It's part of the heather.

I just don't want to come home feeling angsty.  My best friend from home told me not to worry about it, that if I don't like it, I don't like it and it's nothing I can really help.  Believe me, I've tried.  Part of me wishes I could travel all the time and do tons of fun stuff every day, but my budget can be very limiting.

Sarah just left with her fam-o for some gorgeous castle on the coast of Scotland.  I am beyond jealous.  We went out to lunch today at a very posh Italian restaurant and it felt so good to just sit with an American family.  Sarah and her mom have the funniest mother-daughter relationship I've ever seen.  Anyway, made me miss my own parents, but I guess not seeing them for another 29 days will make my homecoming all the sweeter.

Now I am alone in my apartment until Monday.  I suppose this will give me time to work on a paper and be emo.  I was going to take a trip to Edinburgh, but I think I'll just wait until Hanna gets here next week.

Hanna's visit will be a good thing.  I'm also going to Dublin and Paris in December before heading home and that's another thing to look forward to.  Traveling makes a world of difference.